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David Konstantinov
David Konstantinov

SURVIVE THE AFFAIR



The survey polled 441 people who admitted to cheating while in a committed relationship, and found that more than half (54.5 percent) broke up immediately after the truth came out. Another 30 percent tried to stay together but broke up eventually, and only 15.6 percent survived this break of trust.




SURVIVE THE AFFAIR



There are also gender disparities, as women were almost twice as likely to say they were still with their partner following a confession of infidelity. And the nature of the affair also played a role, considering that 19.7 percent of couples chose to stay together after a one-night stand, versus only 12.7 percent of couples who found out their partner had engaged in a longterm affair.


The biggest reasons for confessing to an affair were guilt (47 percent), followed by wanting to let their partner know they were unhappy (39.8 percent), and feeling like their partner had the right to know (38.6 percent). But, worryingly, only one in four people who cheated said they admitted it to their partner, and roughly the same amount said they got caught, pointing to the fact that signs of infidelity are often easier to miss than we might want to believe.


Among those who decided to not break up immediately, 61 percent of cheaters said their partner implemented rules and consequences as a result of the affair. The majority (55.7 percent) said that they allowed their partner to look through their phone. Other common regulations included avoiding certain friends, limitations on going out, letting their partner access their social media, and withholding sex.


Your marriage does not necessarily have to end in divorce because you had an affair. Even though admitting the affair to your spouse will cause a lot of grief and heartache, and anger, the odds are that your marriage will survive if you both want it to. Couples counseling for infidelity can help.


Not only were they involved with someone else, but they are now lying about the extent of the involvement. Keeping the affair a secret is the first lie. But intimacy gets worse when the involved spouse:


It's hard to consider the long term when the hurt spouse's trust and certainty in your marriage turn from concrete to shifting sand. Women often reach out to friends, family, and even their own children, before turning to a marriage counselor. This has lasting effects. If the marriage does survive the affair, very often, it does so with broken friendships or parental relationships when the news is broadcasted widely.


Who you tell about this affair is a serious matter to consider. Running to a family member who has been vocal about their dislike for your partner creates a ripple effect, as most of us like to announce, "I was right about him/her!" to whoever will listen.


Equally explosive is the reality that many of the involved partners may give up their affair partners reluctantly. They may still long for the feelings the affair created in them of power, desirability, excitement, and even danger. Some want to talk to the affair partner privately to process the necessity for a breakup. This, in itself, can be volatile as promises might have been made and are now broken.


The rumination and obsession of the Hurt Partner have predictable themes. They blame and attack seemingly out of nowhere. They ask questions about specific sexual activities with the affair partner. While they are trying to ease the pain by knowing, intimate details of the sex are more likely to torment them with an ever-widening circle of toxic detail rather than heal.


There are also all types of affairs, sexual affairs being just one of them. In fact, when weighing anonymous sexual liaisons longer-term against emotional affairs with well-known people, the long-term secrecy may be much less damaging.


Most couples find it difficult to heal in an effective way from an affair. Of the three typical paths to healing, only one will help the couple move on and potentially end up in a stronger place than before.


At Couples Therapy Inc., helping couples heal and repair is all that we do. We are science-based specialists in affair recovery. One weekend helps couples jump-start their healing with a trained couples therapist.


Talking about the affair is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome when dealing with cheating in a relationship. Usually the betrayed spouse wants to talk while the cheater does his or her best to stall and avoid answering any questions.


About 40 percent of marriages are rocked by affairs, according to a new book, but no one wants to admit it. Psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman shares some hard truths and common misconceptions about infidelity in his new book The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity.


But it turns out that 4 in 10 marriages are challenged by affairs; and it also turns out that more than half of American marriages survive the affair. These are some of the surprising findings - perhaps surprising to some - that are discussed in Dr. Scott Haltzman's new book. His book is titled "The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity" and he's with us now. Dr. Haltzman, thank you so much for speaking with us.


HALTZMAN: Well, you know, I think one of the things we have to be cautious about with any research regarding infidelity, is that people don't tell the truth about whether they've had affairs or not. But I think, you know, if you remember that 40 percent of people have had - of relationships have been involved in infidelity, that's just one of the partners. So about 25 percent of men may have had an affair at some point in their life; 15 percent of women. Some statistics will say 70 to 90 percent. It really also varies in terms of how you want to define an affair. And more and more these days, people are having intense emotional relationships with people they've never even met, or sexual relationships over the Internet with people they haven't met.


MARTIN: One of the issues that you address in your book, that you say comes up often, is the argument that humans actually aren't meant to be in monogamous relationships. The argument is that people used to die sooner than they do now, that people didn't live as long, that there was - generally partners, you know, didn't survive as long as they - women died in childbirth, men died in war - and that monogamy is kind of an impossible idea. What does your research say about that?


MARTIN: Well, what is - do you have a values perspective on this of whether infidelity is just, by definition, harmful to marriage because there was some people - I think, in fact, we've heard from a number of people who said that they don't think it is; in fact, a number of people have said that they think that their affairs, relationships outside of marriage, have actually strengthened their marriage. So can I just ask your point of view on this?


In the many years that I have been a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, providing marriage counseling and couples therapy in my offices in Encino and Sherman Oaks, I have seen very many couples where one spouse or both have had extramarital affairs during the course of their marriage. Often when couples enter my office they are feeling depressed, angry and overwhelmed.


Your spouse had an affair because they were seeking something they thought they couldn't have with you. There were other choices that they could have made and it's not your fault that this happened. Although everyone has made mistakes and done some wrong things in a relationship, cheating is a choice. It's not the fault of the partner who has been betrayed.


If others know about the affair, it will make dealing with the infidelity more complicated. If the lover in the affair was extended family member, it is even more complex. Learn how to survive infidelity when it occurs with a relative.


For example, after the affair is revealed to you, if you immediately tell your parents what your husband, wife, or partner has done, they may respond with hate and hostility. They may decide, regardless of what happens in the future, to never forgive your husband, wife or partner.


If you and your partner are going to reconcile after the affair and remain together, you must talk about the affair and what happened. You must have many conversations about it even when it is difficult and uncomfortable.


This is one part of my guide for how to survive an affair. This post is meant for the spouse who was unfaithful. Here is the matching part of the guide: concrete steps you can take to survive an affair when your spouse was unfaithful.


The single best step that you can take in following this guide for how to survive an affair is to show as much empathy as you possibly can for your spouse. You inflicted pain on your spouse and you need to show empathy.


How couples handle the aftermath of infidelity depends, in part, on the nature of the infidelity. Was it a one-time indiscretion or a long-term, emotionally-vested affair? Was it discovered or confessed?


Even with some of these attributes at least partially at work, divorce rates remain high. One of the most devastating conflicts is the extramarital affair. This can include sexual affairs, emotional affairs, short-term or long-term affairs (long-term infidelity), serial infidelity (repeated marital infidelity), and other such behavior by an unfaithful partner. When cheating is at play, divorce statistics rise even higher. Surviving long-term infidelity, single instances, or repeated occurrences with multiple partners, is a very involved, uphill journey.


Some of the most promising statistics are perhaps those surrounding the impact of honesty and revelation within these circumstances. The highest divorce rate, at a whopping 80%, is linked to those marriages where one or both partners have a secret affair that they never own up to. On the flip-side, only 43% of these marriages, roughly half of the above figure, end in divorce when the unfaithful partner comes forward with their indiscretion.


However, countless couples not only survive infidelity but build an even stronger marriage because of the change it sometimes inspires. Whether you choose to separate or stay together, with the help of a good counselor, a trusted attorney, and supportive friends and family, you can continue to live a full, satisfying life. 041b061a72


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